One of my oldest friends called me last week. I’d been having a rough time and had withdrawn in a way that only a very close friend would recognize. I’d still been “in touch” with her, but I was withholding, and she could tell. She called, and I don’t remember exactly what she said, but her voice was soft and patient and expectant. She made it possible for me to reveal my heartache and gave me time to say the things out loud that I hadn’t been able to say.
Dr. Gerald Stein in his post, “Why the Clock is Essential in Therapy (and Relationships)” (https://drgeraldstein.wordpress.com), discusses that making time for “tender issues… can be like a dance, the partners move together as if choreographed…”, and that is what my friend did for me. She didn’t try to stop my tears or give me advice. It was like a dance in a way, or maybe like a prayer. Total acceptance and love.
After a while my breathing settled and we continued our conversation. She told me about “Dayenu,” the prayer and Passover seder song that tells the story of Exodus. The melody of the song is joyous and upbeat, a list of fifteen things God did for the Jews, anyone of which, they say, would have been enough for them. Sefaria Library’s reading of the text begins “How much good, layer upon layer, the omnipresent has done for us. Had He brought us out of Egypt without bringing judgment upon [our oppressors], that would have been enough for us.”
It would have been enough. Dayenu is a prayer of gratitude, but, she intimated (or perhaps I misunderstood and twisted it to suit my own situation), that sometimes the word Dayenu can also be also used as a cleansing release. I don’t want to be disrespectful. But when I think of her saying “Dayenu! Enough!” I feel a little better.
Unlike my friend, I wasn’t raised in any specific faith. Though I believe my divorced parents were given religious instruction, I think my dad more than my mom, they did not, evidently, feel the need to share it with their progeny.
Why not? I’ve wondered. Parsing that is loose. My grandfathers died long before I was born, and one of my grandmothers died when I was a baby. The only grandparent I knew was my mom’s mom who died when I was nineteen. Sadly, I didn’t see her enough, nor know what to ask her about when I did. And for some reason, religion wasn’t much spoken of in my childhood, unless you took the Lord’s name in vain. That was frowned upon, unless Mom was really angry, in which case, she couldn’t be held to account. Dad never lost his temper and never cursed, so there wasn’t a lot of reason, I guess, for him to even bring up sin or religion or God. Anyway, Mom and Dad didn’t live together after I was four-years-old, so I would never be a member of a traditional united family like the ones I fantasized about.
I know Dad attended a Methodist church growing up in Chicago, and that his widowed librarian mother was a model of decorum, and that, in the 1920’s and ‘30s meant adherence to social norms such as church attendance. I’m not sure whether Mom was taken to church as a child, but given the times, I imagine she was at least exposed. Her upbringing was less city, less refined than Dad’s. Mom grew up in Faribault, Minnesota with a terminally ill father she adored, a Swedish immigrant who was bedridden by the time she was of school age, and her mother worked many hours a week to support the family. There were eight children, but by the time Mom came along several of them had left home. It wasn’t a farm, so it wasn’t as if the siblings had a reason to stay once they reached maturity, though I believe several of her older brothers helped contribute to the family income.
Both of my grandmothers worked outside the home, which I used to think was somewhat unusual, but now I know women have always worked in all kinds of ways other than homemaking. It just didn’t get reported. Women’s contributions have always been underrepresented in American society. For me, born in the 1950s and growing up in the 1960s and early 70s, it was normal to think that women had always been home. I grew up watching The Donna Reid Show, I Love Lucy and Leave it to Beaver. Sitcoms regularly featured women as married and caring for husbands and children, even if the woman happened to be a witch, as in Samantha of Bewitched. It was the ideal. Only a rare few Katherine Hepburn types, charming enough, but come on, not really practical, lived independent lives or made money of their own. That’s what we were told. I mean neither of my grandmothers was even allowed to vote when they were young, but they were allowed to work to support their families.
Dad’s father, a Scottish immigrant, died when Dad was four. Dad’s only sibling died at age twelve, and his spinster aunt, a seamstress, lived with them, bringing in an extra bit of income and caring for my dad (now an only child) while his mother worked, so even though it was the Great Depression and the family had experienced horrible loss, between his mother and his aunt, things stayed afloat. Dad was well looked after, educated, participated in church and school activities, and was enrolled in a pre-med program at college before WWII changed everything. Mom, on the other hand, didn’t, couldn’t, get the same amount of attention and help. When would her mother who cooked and cleaned and cared for other people and other people’s children probably for most of the day and most of the night, day after day without reprieve have had the time to take my mom to church?
Mom didn’t talk about it. Both of my parents claimed to believe in God and considered themselves Christian, and I believed them, but it was sort of incidental. God was why you didn’t lie or cheat or hurt others. Jesus was why we had Christmas and Easter. Despite their professed faith, both of them shunned churches and had little good to say about people who attended them. Organized religion, Dad said, had caused most of the world’s problems. Mom was less philosophical. She just didn’t care for their “holier than thou” ways. I was left to find my own path if I so desired, but was never given any formal, or indeed informal, religious education.
It took me a long time, with a lot of detours, to begin to travel my own spiritual path, and I haven’t been exactly good at it, but in my own halting way I’ve touched—not held, but touched, fragments of comfort, peace, and wonder over the years. The ways grace arrived for me are varied. A Lutheran friend. A Jewish friend. A Latter-Day Saints friend. A longing to give something lasting to my children. A church bell, and then another, and another. Calls to worship. Two Presbyterian congregations, one large and one small. One Episcopal congregation, tiny. A community where different faiths worked together. Health scares. Reading. Love. All of these. And Prayer. Something I always did, instinctively. Prayer.
I was surprised to find handwritten prayers in Dad’s bedside table drawer when he died. A nightly prayer list, it appeared. All beautifully written, eloquently phrased personal prayers for me and my brother and our families.
So Dad prayed, too, more than I knew.
Perhaps that was enough.
Thank you for reading, and my hopes for you today are these—may you have enough friendship, enough time, and the opportunity to grow in love and joy in all the ways that fill you.
Here is a link to a performance of “Dayenu” from Park Avenue Synagogue: Cantors Trio: Dayenu (Passover Song)
And here are the lyrics in Hebrew and English from from Sefaria Library at http://www.sefaria.org:
אִלּוּ הוֹצִיאָנוּ מִמִצְרַיִם וְלֹא עָשָׂה בָהֶם שְׁפָטִים, דַּיֵּנוּ
Magid, Dayenu
כַּמָה מַעֲלוֹת טוֹבוֹת לַמָּקוֹם עָלֵינוּ!
כַּמָּה מַעֲלוֹת טוֹבוֹת HOW MUCH GOOD,
LAYER UPON LAYER,
THE OMNIPRESENT HAS DONE FOR US:
אִלּוּ הוֹצִיאָנוּ מִמִּצְרַיִם וְלֹא עָשָׂה בָהֶם שְׁפָטִים, דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He brought us out of Egypt
without bringing judgment upon
[our oppressors],
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ עָשָׂה בָהֶם שְׁפָטִים, וְלֹא עָשָׂה בֵאלֹהֵיהֶם, דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He brought judgment upon them
but not upon their gods,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ עָשָׂה בֵאלֹהֵיהֶם, וְלֹא הָרַג אֶת־בְּכוֹרֵיהֶם, דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He brought judgment upon their gods
without killing their firstborn sons,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ הָרַג אֶת־בְּכוֹרֵיהֶם וְלֹא נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת־מָמוֹנָם, דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He killed their firstborn sons
without giving us their wealth,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת־מָמוֹנָם וְלֹא קָרַע לָנוּ אֶת־הַיָּם, דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He given us their wealth
without splitting the sea for us,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ קָרַע לָנוּ אֶת־הַיָּם וְלֹא הֶעֱבִירָנוּ בְתוֹכוֹ בֶּחָרָבָה, דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He split the sea for us
but not brought us through it dry,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ הֶעֱבִירָנוּ בְתוֹכוֹ בֶּחָרָבָה וְלֹא שִׁקַּע צָרֵנוּ בְתוֹכוֹ דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He brought us through [the sea] dry
without drowning our enemies in it,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ שִׁקַּע צָרֵנוּ בְתוֹכוֹ וְלֹא סִפֵּק צָרְכֵּנוּ בַּמִדְבָּר אַרְבָּעִים שָׁנָה דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He drowned our enemies in it
without providing for our needs
for forty years in the desert,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ סִפֵּק צָרְכֵּנוּ בַּמִּדְבָּר אַרְבָּעִים שָׁנָה וְלֹא הֶאֱכִילָנוּ אֶת־הַמָּן דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He provided for our needs
for forty years in the desert,
without feeding us with manna,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ הֶאֱכִילָנוּ אֶת־הַמָּן וְלֹא נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת־הַשַּׁבָּת, דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He fed us with manna
without giving us Shabbat,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת־הַשַּׁבָּת, וְלֹא קֵרְבָנוּ לִפְנֵי הַר סִינַי, דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He given us Shabbat
without drawing us close
around Mount Sinai,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ קֵרְבָנוּ לִפְנֵי הַר סִינַי, וְלא נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת־הַתּוֹרָה. דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He drawn us close around Mount Sinai
without giving us the Torah,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת־הַתּוֹרָה וְלֹא הִכְנִיסָנוּ לְאֶרֶץ יִשְׂרָאֵל, דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He given us the Torah
without bringing us to the land of Israel,
that would have been enough for us.
אִלּוּ הִכְנִיסָנוּ לְאֶרֶץ יִשְׂרָאֵל וְלֹא בָנָה לָּנוּ אֶת־בֵּית הַבְּחִירָה דַּיֵּנוּ.
Had He brought us to the land of Israel
without building for us
the House He chose
that would have been enough for us.
עַל אַחַת, כַּמָה וְכַמָה, טוֹבָה כְפוּלָה וּמְכֻפֶּלֶת לַמָּקוֹם עָלֵינוּ: שֶׁהוֹצִיאָנוּ מִמִּצְרַיִם, וְעָשָׂה בָהֶם שְׁפָטִים, וְעָשָׂה בֵאלֹהֵיהֶם, וְהָרַג אֶת־בְּכוֹרֵיהֶם, וְנָתַן לָנוּ אֶת־מָמוֹנָם, וְקָרַע לָנוּ אֶת־הַיָּם, וְהֶעֱבִירָנוּ בְתוֹכוֹ בֶּחָרָבָה, וְשִׁקַּע צָרֵנוּ בְתוֹכוֹ, וְסִפֵּק צָרְכֵּנוּ בַּמִדְבָּר אַרְבָּעִים שָׁנָה, וְהֶאֱכִילָנוּ אֶת־הַמָּן, וְנָתַן לָנוּ אֶת־הַשַּׁבָּת, וְקֵרְבָנוּ לִפְנֵי הַר סִינַי, וְנָתַן לָנוּ אֶת־הַתּוֹרָה, וְהִכְנִיסָנוּ לְאֶרֶץ יִשְׂרָאֵל, וּבָנָה לָּנוּ אֶת־בֵּית הַבְּחִירָה לְכַפֵּר עַל־כָּל־עֲוֹנוֹתֵינוּ.
LakeArrowheadLadyWriter 
Your friend’s voice and demeanor…soft, patient, expectant. Such a wonderful description of knowing you are loved. Thank you for all of this, Lori.
I feel similarly about needing to find my own spiritual center — eager to learn and glean what makes sense from so many friends and their faith-based practices and goodness.
And I loved your reflections on your family, the female archetypes we grew up with —sitcoms and more. Including Bewitched — yes!
Much love to you…I’ll be smiling all evening about your dad’s prayers. So treasured and personal. Oh my.
Last…know that our friends who know how and when to reach out when we pull back — even when we think it’s imperceptible? Such a gift and I have no doubt that describes you, too! ❤️❤️❤️
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Lori’s words describe just a fraction of how wonderful she is as a lifelong friend.
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True. 💞
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Oh, Vicki. I know that you are a very talented word person and doctor and that your own childhood taught you deeply about the the human experience, but I am still always amazed by your ability to respond so accurately and vividly to others. You have a great gift. I love you, and I am so grateful to have found you and your work. I can’t wait to read Shivers! 📚💞📚Thank you!
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Oh my…love you back! Xo! ❤️
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💞
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Thank you so much for sharing! Beautiful prayer tradition! It is wonderful that you know and have written down family history. Know that you always have friends “up the mountain!”
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Dear Kathy, I am so grateful for you! And your family! And for the times we shared. I do still feel connected to Arrowhead and I always will. My happy place! Love you all-always! 🥰
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I know you weren’t born or raised Jewish, but you understand at a level much deeper than most. Your words are spiritual and healing and powerful—no matter the religious beliefs behind them. Loving you always.
Your descriptions are beyond compare.
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Loving you always. Such an amazing gift. Thank you, Sandy, and let’s keep this going for another lifetime. Or forever.
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Such a deep pursuit of the threads throughout your family and own pursuit. I love that your friend was, “soft and patient and expectant.” What a great description, Lori.
Love the way you’ve found the way to your own moments of peace. I think we all have to find our way to what is meaningful and helpful to us. I’ve never heard the Dayenu – thank you for sharing!
And thank goodness for dear friends! Sending blessings to you!
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Thank you, Wynne. I always find beauty and peace in your words and photos, as I did in your beautiful memoir as well. And now, too, your video blog. I know I don’t have all the right words at the moment to express it, but you are a comfort and an inspiration. Thank you!
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I wanted to leave you an encouraging note because I truly enjoyed this essay. I’d heard the prayer you mentioned in connection with “The Chosen” series, but I didn’t know what it was called so your explanation of “Dayenu” was especially meaningful for me.
We were born around the same time, and I found myself relating to so much of what you wrote about your parents, grandparents, and the world you grew up in. Your reflections felt familiar in the best way.
This piece was a beautifully written, thoughtful, and very enjoyable. Thank you for sharing it.
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Linda? I am thinking that may be your name because I read some posts about your husband, Hank. It is so caring and thoughtful of you to encourage me! How very gracious of you! I’m happy that learning a bit about Dayenu was meaningful for you—I was so intrigued by it, myself! It’s also always a pleasure to hear from others who share a similar/familiar life experience. Thank you so much for getting in touch! Sending you greetings and thanks!☺️
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Thank you so much for your kind message, Lori. Yes, my name is Linda. I’m glad my note reached you. Learning more about “Dayenu” was very interesting to me. I hadn’t realized it was a traditional part of Jewish worship. I originally thought it was simply a meaningful dramatization created for “The Chosen” series. Here’s the link to the “If That Was All, It Would Have Been Enough” scene from Season 5, Episode 5 (“Last Supper”) in case you’d like to see it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcUR1TnJLVM
Thank you also for taking the time to read the posts my husband and I wrote back in 2013 and 2014. It means more than I can say to have that part of my life touched again, especially as I approach the twelfth anniversary of his passing. Sending warm greetings and appreciation to you.
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So glad my references to you and your husband’s posts have brought you some comfort, Linda. I haven’t seen the series, “The Chosen,” and will be interested in taking a look at the link you provided. There is always so much to learn, isn’t there? Thanks again, Linda, and be well!
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You’re welcome!
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I hope things have fallen into place for you. it’s great to have friends that reach out, isn’t it?
as for religion, i can definitely identify with what you’ve written here. it’s such a multifaceted set of thoughts and conclusions that even I myself, after all this time, don’t know if it’s worth trying to tie it all together, or if tying it all together would yield anything of substance for me to carry moving forward. and yet, as many questions as i answer, more appear in its place. Mike (www.moderatelivingblog.com)
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Thank you, Mike! I agree with you. There are always questions. Sometimes solace comes from unexpected places. Friendship is a very great thing. Thanks so much for writing. I enjoy reading your work.
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This was so beautiful and touching to read Lori. 💞
Your friend, what a blessing. 💞It’s not always easy to know when we can share those hurts that bring us to tears. But it’s such a relief when someone ‘sees’ us. My best friend, of nearly 50 years, passed away a year ago. It’s been hard to be without her.
The way women have been viewed is so disappointing. We all know women (or we are the women) who worked so hard to keep the world running, yet women get displaced and ignored. It makes no sense.
I love your openness about religion. I was also raised without any religion, and was told the same sort of words your parents gave. It’s such a delicate subject and so few people talk about it (except in loud judgmental ways). Spirituality is a path we sometimes need to walk alone in order to hear our faith. Thank you for the links, they helped me understand the concept of Dayenu a bit better.
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Oh, Rose, I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved friend. You must be grieving in so many ways. I am so sorry for what you have lost—knowing that what you had was so precious. I lost my only sibling and I don’t know if it is comparable—comparing heartache isn’t probably healthy or possible anyway—but I remember feeling like a part of me was gone. Only my brother had known me since birth. No one else knew me or our early years like he did. I still grieve of course. But it has been years. So it’s a gentle grief these days. But I still have my oldest friends and they knew my brother, so they help keep him alive. I hope that you have someone who knew your friend nearby, in touch if not in close physical proximity. Someone to talk with about your friend. I believe in the power of writing also. It’s a balm. And I am here, too, if you need to write to a fellow writer. Be well.
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I appreciate your kind words of understanding so much Lori. I can’t imagine the grief and loss of a close and only sibling. It is good to have people who know how to keep those relationships alive. My best friend’s daughter does a fantastic job of keeping me involved with their lives. And you are so right about writing – it helps some. Thank you so much for the offer to be here if needed. Sometimes it’s ‘easier’ to share the deepest feelings with someone who doesn’t know all the history. It frees us to talk about how we’re coping with life now. Please know you have someone ‘out here’ that cares about how you’re doing and is hoping and praying for the best for you. Hugs to you blogger friend. 💞
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Big hugs, Rose. I appreciate every word. XxxOoo
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Our best friends can sense when we need a pick-me-up. I’ve ebbed and flowed in organized religion over the years. My parents were strict Catholics and influenced me more by their actions (treat others with respect—do unto others) than by their religion. Mostly, I try to be a decent person.
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Pete, I can tell by your writings that you are doing very well in the being a decent person category! You share nothing but goodness and kindness and sweet humor in your posts, and your devotion to your family, students, and community all reflect that as well!
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OhmyGod i LOVE the way u write & describe things. Heres a new loyal 21 yo subscriber :DDDD
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So wonderful to have you here, rida! Thank you! I love the energy and youthful perspective you bring!
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It’s so interesting to hear about people’s spiritual journeys.
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I agree, Marie!
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friends seem to know when we need something and often, what it is we need –
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What a beautiful and heart(ening) post about friendship, about ‘letting go’ and feeling trust and love enough to do that. And, of course, about religion and spirituality and how we pray (or don’t). Isn’t it interesting that most times, we don’t ask our closest relatives what they believe in, or how they ‘talk’ to God or whatever Spirit they believe in? Because of this post, I’m going to share with my kids and grandkids (even if the subject is “too personal” for them) how prayer and meditation help me on this journey of life. ❤
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I think it’s wonderful you are going to share your experience with prayer and meditation with your kids and grandkids! It is interesting that many of us don’t ask our closest relatives about religion and spirituality, and though there are many reasons we don’t, I’m sorry I didn’t explore the topic more with my elders while they were still here. I hope your family accepts and appreciates your gift of open communication. Best wishes on your journey! And thank you!
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Thanks – I’ll ‘feel out the room’ before I share my spiritual practice. It’s sad that Spirit is a disquieting subject for some. ❤
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What a sweet, revealing post that allowed me to think of my parents and grandparents and ancestors and what seemed important or not for Mom and Dad, and me. I grew up on a farm and going to church was as regular as milking cows–you just did it. But it was in the public school where I found my friends and Mom and Dad found the neighbors who traded news and jokes over banquets in the school gym. I had a couple of good friends then, and have several good friends now. And thank goodness they are there for us, as you point out. Sometimes it is just a “Hello, how are things?” in a certain voice that is all we need. It’s a verbal hug.
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Thank goodness for our friends and for those wonderful verbal hugs! Thank you for reading and responding, Christine. I always love hearing from you!
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Lori, I’m thankful for that kind and loving friend who helped you through a rough patch. I hope you’re feeling better.
What I really loved reading about were the handwritten prayers you found after your dad died, seeing in his writing that he had been praying for all of you. What love.
It sounds like you have done well in finding your way to, and growing, your faith. For that, too, I am grateful.
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Thanks so much, Audrey! Yes, the beautiful handwritten prayers in my dad’s bedside table drawer were a sweet revelation. I am so grateful to have found them. Thank you for your caring response. I am doing better. I hope you are well, too. Bless you!
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A beautiful read Lori. Thank you for sharing your family history with us. Your meditations about your family and weaving that into the fabric of the culture during their time is thoughtful and generous and relevant.
Remember,
You are loved by many
And by God who is everything.
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Thank you so much, JeanMarie. Your response is so encouraging and your reminder of love so precious. I am sending more of that same message back to you. God bless you.
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