Another goodbye. This old house, the one we have loved and labored over for the past five years, is sold and we are looking for a new place to live, spending countless hours exploring our options. We are moving primarily to get closer to health care, but it isn’t just that. There are many people who fight to remain here, in this isolated little town, even when they clearly need to get closer to a hospital and/or access to a grocery store, a home health care aide, or other support systems, but those are people with roots and years of memories and attachments to the place that I don’t have. They have always belonged here.
Sometimes I think I don’t deserve to belong, perhaps that is why I always wind up leaving. I’ve loved and left too many places. Oh, there’s always been a good reason, but still, I wonder exactly why those reasons always seem to find me so easily, almost as though I’m looking for them. Is it because my childhood was a transitory experience, one where living in different places and going to different schools and always being the new kid was a simple fact of life? I didn’t like it, but maybe I got used to it. Maybe that became my normal. Also, there was an element of adventure there, even though, honestly, the transitions were never smooth and I was perennially ill at ease.
My mom moved a lot before her marriage to my dad. My dad moved a lot after serving in the Pacific theater as a Marine during WWII. When they got together they moved a few times before I was born, and then they remained relatively stable in the town where my brother and I started school while they were together. The rented house on Sheridan Road in Kenosha, Wisconsin is the first home I remember. When they split up around the time I was in first grade, all the moving started again, first to an apartment on the other side of town and then we kids were sent to live with relatives across the country. After that we moved several times with Mom and our step dad. By the fifth grade I had lived in Wisconsin, Nevada, and Illinois and had attended five different school districts.
Then they decided to move to Minnesota. We stayed with my cousins there first. Next we moved into a little rental in North St. Paul. I think we were there less than a year, when my step dad came home and announced we were moving again, one more time—the last time—because he had found us a house to buy!
That was the smooth move, even though it meant starting over again in another new school, because it was the one that read like a story with a happy ending. It was going to be the one place we stayed forever. And I walked into that house, so much better than any other house I could imagine living in, and I fell in love. The Winslow Avenue house wasn’t too big, but it was sturdy and freshly painted, with two stories and a fireplace in the living room. It had window boxes filled with blooming red geraniums and a brass door knocker. Elms and maples and pines lined the well-kept lawns up and down the street, and the school was just a few blocks away. I walked to Frances Grass Junior High, and I met my lifelong friend and loved it all. But I was growing up, too fast, and the time slipped away, and I was drawn back time and again to another place, the first place I remembered, and to my father who lived there and to my first lifelong friend.
Meanwhile, the dream house in Minnesota was sold and my mom and stepdad moved to an apartment in Southern California. After that I moved on my own I can’t remember how many times. Minnesota, Wisconsin, California—back and forth. My longest residence was in the beautiful San Bernardino Mountain communities of Running Springs, Lake Arrowhead and Blue Jay, California, a place that I will always love.
And now it’s time to move again. I do love my home and friends here, and my church and library, and the mountains, the beautiful wild mountains and the endless trails. The silence that seeps into my soul. I’m sure moving to a place with nearby health care, groceries, water, trees, and more activities will be good—it’s just so hard to decide on the right place to go, and my heart aches as I can’t move toward my children and grandchildren, only farther away, again.
It’s overwhelming and frightening, and at our stage in life there won’t be much chance for a “do over” if we get it wrong. I think about where my parents ended up, my mom who began her life in Faribault, Minnesota and finished it in a little apartment in Anaheim, California, and my dad who started out in a large apartment in Chicago, Illinois and ended in a small condo in Brookings, Oregon. Were they happy with their choices? What drove them away from their original homes, friends, and loving families? Was it the war? I can only guess. And what called them to the various places they ran to? What wildness, what pain, what longing? Whatever it was, I clearly have felt it, too. Inherited it, I guess.
Feeling lost and looking for solace this morning, I picked up a book—always a good idea—and I came across the following lines. I found them deeply moving. I hope you find something in them that helps you get through your day, too.
“…We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders like a path through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall from us, revealing our bare bones. Given time, they grow again.” Katherine May, from Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times.
LakeArrowheadLadyWriter 
You will always have a home and “family” here!
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Love you, Kathy! Thank you!
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What a fascinating post about patterns and places! So interesting to think about what makes it time to leave. Wishing you the best as you chart your next adventure!
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Thank you, Wynne! I will keep you all updated! We’re looking at the UP- the upper peninsula area “up north “ in Wisconsin and Michigan.
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Good luck with the new part of your life.
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Thanks so much! You are so kind! Xxxooo
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Been there, done that.
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Best of luck, Lori. Trust your gut.
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Thank you, Pete! I really appreciate your belief that we can figure this out!
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Your comments make me love you even more—as if that is actually possible! Your writing touches my soul. You bare your innermost thoughts with such honesty and beauty. You touch and inspire us all. Keep meandering, my friend. It is your purpose. We all deserve to have a moment in your presence. It would be a better world if you could be in all places, spreading your loving kindness (to humans and animals alike). Always and forever yours.
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I am crying now! ❤️❤️❤️ Love you dear friend.
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I have never really built connections with the people around where I live – even my flatmates at university faded away very quickly once we went our separate ways. We didn’t move while I was living at home, and while I had a lot of flats over the first 6 years I was away from home, once I bought my first house I only moved once, after 25 year, to the house we have now been in for 22 years – and they are only a few miles apart. Part of this was stay near my parents as I was the only family they had, partly that this was the only place in New Zealand that had jobs suiting my skill-set and partly a lack of desire to live in a bigger city elsewhere in the world. Overall, this area offers what I want (healthcare, walking tracks, beaches, a good range of shops, restaurants, etc, and reasonable weather) and what it doesn’t offer (up-market restaurants and shops, lots of theatres, nightclubs, etc) I am not interested in having. However I have still never found a strong social network, although my wife has made friends with one of our neighbours. Maybe that is my independent personality type.
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I think I understand at least a bit what you mean, David. Being independent and introverted in my own way has always shaped my experiences and relationships. Writing is my therapy, and wonderfully, I am learning that connections with other writers and readers is a rich source of inspiration, support, and friendship. Thank you!
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there was definitely a time where I moved around a bit. it was easier as i didn’t have any real obligations to hold me down and because of this experience, it’s the only counter to me questioning what kind of force it would take to make me settle in one place. i just celebrated my 10th anniversary of living where I am and there are powerful things that ground me here. the strongest of which is a sense of harmony and quiet which actualized an iteration of me that I felt I was chasing throughout my life.
I know that there are possibilities of other iterations that I can still have as I’m 46. and this time issue will most certainly be different for other people. but I guess, for me, I will hold onto this place because it gives me peace and above all things, that’s what I want. I often tell myself that I want my history to end here where I am. I think if one could say that to themselves, that is the place they belong to even if they’ve moved on from it before.
nevertheless, a move and leaving familiar surroundings is always tough. it’ll be great to see where your journey takes you next! 🙂 Mike
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I love your words “I want my history to end here where I am.” I hope to find that peace. Thank you, Mike.
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What a great quote to find at this particular moment in your life. I’ve had periods where I moved often, followed by spending 10+ years in a few locations. We’ve lived in our current home for 12 years. I like our home and location, but I still long for someplace with lots of land to be free, where the weather is always lovely, and where I just feel like I belong.
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It sounds as though we’re kindred spirits, Rose! 🌹
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Wishing you the best.
Neil S.
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Thank you, Neil!
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A brutal untruth…what a magnificent phrase from Katherine May. Thank you, Lori, for sharing and bringing us into the transition ahead. Sending all my love…with gratitude for these words you offered:
“I wonder exactly why those reasons always seem to find me so easily…”
I understand you! What a beautiful, deep reflection about your moves and the meandering nature of life.
I hope the search for where you’ll go next is as smooth as possible. xo! 💝
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Thank you dear Vicki! Your love and support are greatly appreciated. I am truly grateful. You make my heart happy!💐❤️💐
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I feel the same about you! 🥰❤️🥰
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What a beautiful essay, Lori. Just lovely with so many truths and notions about how we live. All of us move at some point, though not as many times as you perhaps. I have a sense that you found good things and bits of happiness at every stop that you’ve knitted together for a successful life and wisdom. Best wishes for your writing and that next move!
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Thank you, Christine! It’s true that I have found many good things at every stop. So many beautiful people and places. I’ve learned a great deal here these past five years—so many things I probably would never have experienced anywhere else. I am filled with love and respect for this community. I know the next move will teach me, too. It’s a bit like my childhood experiences of going to new schools every so often- everywhere we go is like new semester or a new major field of study. To life!
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This one stayed with me. The way you write about leaving—not as escape, but as something almost inherited, stitched into the family bloodline—feels very true. Some of us don’t move away from places; we move through them, gathering silence, landscapes, friendships, seasons. That Katherine May quote lands perfectly here. Life really isn’t a straight line—it’s more like circling back to the same questions with a little more tenderness each time. I don’t read this as someone who doesn’t belong, but as someone who belongs deeply, briefly, and honestly wherever they are. Wishing you steadiness and grace as you choose the next bend in the path.
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Your kind and intuitive response means the world to me, Emiliano. I love so much of what you said. “Circling back to the same questions with a little more tenderness each time,” is one example. Thank you. Your good wishes give me a place to stop and take in deeper breaths of calming oxygen before I return to the journey. Bless you!
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What a lovely and thoughtful retrospective of your life through relocation. Thank you for sharing. I’ve had my share of moving apartment to apartment, and 20 years ago taking a leap. Does that count as meandering? Something to think about.
Good luck in this next move.
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Thank you, JeanMarie! The leap you took 20 years ago must have been the right one! I hope you are exactly where you want to be. Always! Lori
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I am so sorry that you are moving again, Lori, as it certainly sounds like you have many emotions surrounding the move. However, I am confident that you will end up in just the right place you are meant to be, and I am thinking of you during this transitional time! Your post really resonated with me because I, too, have moved around much of my life. Every year of my childhood was spent in a different school, and in a different state or country. I grew up in a military family (Air Force), which moved every few years, and like you, both of my parents had moved around much in their lives before they met! It’s in the blood, I guess! Perhaps some families are just destined to always be travelling and interacting with new people! Of course, I too, as an adult, moved often, though I am pretty settled now in New England (Massachusetts), but prior to moving here, it just always seemed natural to move to new places! You mentioned that you think you “don’t deserve to belong”, but I think that, perhaps, the world has always needed you to belong to more people! (smile) In other words, while you may not realize it, you have had opportunities to be a presence in many more lives, and to make a wider impact in many new locations! Even the fact that you blog, has enabled you to “travel” through the internet to connect with others! It’s your destiny! You’ll know when the place you are to move to next feels right! Take good care, and I am wishing you well in the next journey!
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Oh, Anita! What wonderful things you think of and express so well! I love that you point out that my many moves put me in a position to make a wider impact on more lives, and that writing has a way of doing that, too. I never thought of moving in that way, but you are right–I’ve had so many wonderful, impactful relationships everywhere I’ve been. I have learned so much about people, and I have learned never to judge others by what town or state or country they live in, that borders don’t matter. Good people do. And all of the wonderful animals and trees and other natural elements of course! Thank you so much! New England is one place I’ve never spent enough time in but have always wanted to. One of my best ever trips was with a group of teachers maybe twenty years ago when we stayed at Valley Forge and traveled the area with fully in costume and in character historian/actors who portrayed famous Revolutionary War figures. I even got to waltz with George Washington! I’ve only seen a smattering of the US East, but loved everything I saw! Thank you for your well wishes and I look forward to staying in touch with you.
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Your trip to Valley Forge sounded fun! So many parts of the US have their own unique things to love! My father was stationed in MA in the early 70’s, and that’s how we all grew to love New England, and eventually made our way back here in the 1990’s! Looking forward to staying in touch with you, as well, Lori!
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🥰🥰🥰
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wishing you the best with your move, Lori – a powerful post & ending quote…
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Thank you dear da-AL! Love you!
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That is a lot of moving, so unfamiliar to me. With all those childhood moves, you experienced many challenges. That’s clear to me.
But I see a lot of strength in you, to adapt and overcome and now to recognize that you need to be closer to healthcare. How about returning to Minnesota with the world-renowned Mayo Clinic? Just sayin’. Whatever you decide, I hope you find a place to settle in and feel at home.
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Hi, Audrey! Actually, Minnesota was my first choice! I really wanted to come home to Minnesota. The reality is that my husband’s sister is retiring in the UP, so we are now looking there. It’s sort of close to Minnesota, at least compared to central Nevada where we are now. Nothing firmly decided yet! Thank you for your kindness! 💕💕💕
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Yes, the UP is sort of close to Minnesota. But being near family is important.
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Yes. 💕
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Being in the military and moving every two or three years was both exciting and tiring. I’m glad I don’t have to move anymore. You have a valid reason to move. The place we live now is at a perfect distance from everything: a 10–15 minute drive to grocery stores and all the medical facilities we need, and 20–25 minutes from the metro area. I continue to talk with my wife, preparing the way, so to speak, because at some point we might need to downsize further and move to a place where we can get support when we’re really old.
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So much to think about, Edward! I read something recently about choosing the place that you’ll need to be when you’re in your 80s at least a decade earlier, so the choice won’t be made for you. I guess in a perfect world we could all do that, but it’s not that easy of course. 😊
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I read the same, and I totally agree with that advice. That’s why it’s important to start that conversation early and prepare financially. It’s definitely not an easy conversation to have when we’re in our late 70s or early 80s. It’s good to include our kids in that conversation and find a place that works for everyone, at least, that’s my view.
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Yes, agreed Edward!
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You have my sympathies about having to move no matter how valid the reason. Uprooted like any tree forced to thrive in a new location without the tree having a voice or a vote.
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Thank you, Pat. It does feel a bit like that. ☺️
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Best wishes with your move! I can emphasize with this. I made many moves teaching overseas in different countries and also in the states trying to find the perfect setting. In the end, it all depended on me. I changed and am now settled in. Moving is hard. However, I grew up in the Catskills, a move from the City of NY with my parents, and most of us moved after high school graduation. There was not much there but it was beautiful especially if you were lucky to land a state job or a secure position in one of the businesses or schools. However, my parents also moved as they got older for many reasons including the ones you mentioned.
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Thanks so much! I appreciate what you said about it all depended on you. I am going to try very hard to settle in! Sending you more hugs!
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