Something I don’t write about much is my writing background. And of course there’s a reason for that. I have spent a significant amount of time, effort, and money over a period of many years on writing, and though I don’t consider any of that effort to be wasted, I do think sometimes, sometimes when the shadows fall a little too dark, a little too thick, that I should have done more with it, this writing thing, by now. That it should have gone somewhere. Perhaps I’m even a bit embarrassed to admit that with a BA in English and an MFA in creative writing, and years of study and teaching under my belt, I still haven’t published a novel.
Have I written a novel? Oh, yes. I wrote my first novel three decades ago. I was teaching English and became active in the National Writing Project, a fantastic program for teachers that encourages us to become writers, ourselves. I wrote a contemporary novel during that time but never attempted to have it published. It was my learning novel, the one that I would never throw away, but also, the one that wouldn’t be good enough to publish. Don’t ask me exactly how I came to this conclusion. I think I read an awful lot of books and articles about writing, and this was my take on first novels. They were like the first pancake, or the first kiss. You just had to do it and get it out of the way. The payoff would be better pancakes and better kisses later. Fluffier, more evenly browned, delicious. Or maybe my own writing just embarrassed me so much that I couldn’t even think of approaching anyone with it. So, I printed it out and boxed it away.
The itch to learn more and to focus more on writing took me to Goddard College next. I continued teaching and worked on my master’s from 2007-2009. During this exciting period, I wrote constantly, including many formal papers for my instructors and my thesis, which was a young adult historical fiction novel about a Catholic Polish teen and his Jewish neighbors during World War II. This one, I thought, I would try to get published. I just didn’t hurry it.
I attended Goddard West in Port Townsend, WA. I have never been to the original campus in Vermont, which has sadly, closed, but I still hope to visit there someday.
After the MFA, I focused on researching agents and publishers and writing queries. Admittedly, I didn’t try very hard. It was excruciating for me to put myself out there—my writing out there—which to me, amounted to putting my inexperience and inadequacy on full display, a neon sign of not-good-enough, flashy and annoying, just begging someone far more hard-working and talented than myself to squash it.
Time went by and I wrote with friends for fun, and to learn more. Shout out to you, Alicia, Lynn, Mike, Maria Elena, and of course all of my amazing students! I thought maybe I needed to put more time between me and my second novel. I started blogging. I was still teaching.
But then I found myself seriously ill with a rare form of cancer, and the world stopped spinning. I lost track of days, weeks. My brother was also ill and had come to live with us. My surgeries were successful. But I felt unwell. Months of chemo took a toll. And my brother. My beautiful brother, my only sibling, died.
I read that the average life span for appendiceal cancer was seven years, and yes, I also read that was not to be taken to mean that I would die in seven years—there were so many factors involved, and it was just an average. Many people died sooner. Others lived for twenty years or more. Blah, blah, blah, I thought. I have seven years.
With my husband’s blessing, I cashed in a small savings account and took a short trip to London and Paris (my one and only trip outside the U.S.), and it was wonderful, and I knew I wanted to write. My writing vision could not have been more clear. I came home and worked on a new novel.
East Finchley, Outside London.
A Beautiful Place to Write.
I taught for a couple more years. Other than my family, my teaching career was what I was most proud of and committed to. Still, I felt my energy shifting. I expected an early death. I imagined myself too weak to be the kind of teacher I had always aspired to be, which was the Robin Williams as John Keating kind of teacher from Dead Poet’s Society. That was who I should be, but instead, I felt—I believed, I was tired, in failing health, more Virginia Poe dying slowly of tuberculous while Edgar became ever more prolific than John Keating taking on the entire world of poetry and elevating young minds and spirits. I saw myself settling into an early writing retirement where my husband would continue to work, but I would just be . . . . the quiet writer in residence.
The sadly beautiful Mrs. E. A. Poe
And so, I finished my third book. It is not published.
I found I missed gainful employment and have steadily worked part-time since my early retirement, teaching and library work mostly. I am fighting my hermit-like tendencies, and I’m enjoying getting more involved in actively reading and responding to my fellow writers online, as well as the few writers I know personally. This is a joy and a responsibility. I believe we must support each other, and I am so in awe of all of you! I just finished reading a fellow Goddard graduate’s Sci-Fi thriller, The Regolith Temple, yesterday, and was blown away! Roxana Arama, I will be writing a review for your excellent book very soon!
I am still waiting to hear back from an agent who requested my full manuscript many months ago. I’m considering next steps.
I’m not dead. I stopped going in for cancer scans several years ago. I can’t afford them, and anyway, I’m quite spectacularly healthy. Weirdly! So maybe the seven years thing was really just about itches and actually had nothing to do with my diagnosis. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful, and I’m still in love with this beautiful planet. And pancakes and kisses.
I’m walking every day and working on another novel.
Trying to say it a little more often.
The simple sentence I’ve never felt worthy of.
I am a writer.
LakeArrowheadLadyWriter 
You have always been so full of life and amazing!
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Thank you for always being such a supportive friend and reader, Kathy! I can’t express how grateful I’ve always been to have met you and your family! So many fond memories! Love you!
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Congratulations on your journey. Every time you publish a blog post you affirm you are a writer and a published one at that. To me that is one of the benefits of blogging. As many writers can tell us, even if they traditionally or self published,that does not guarantee the work is read. But writing and hitting send or publish or print is an affirmation we are writers!
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Thank you for that! Yes, indeed, writing and hitting send or publish or print is an affirmation we are writers! You break it down to its essence!
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My Lori—I’ve learned a lot about you in that blog—still think you should get back to Minnesota!! Love you❤️❤️
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My Lois! Writing a blog does expose a lot! Glad you still love me! Our house is on the market here and we are always looking at houses in Minnesota. Only time will tell what happens! Life surprises me still. Love you!
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You are a writer, Lori. So much of what you wrote touched me, and isn’t that words are supposed to do? While I’m writing this sentence it suddenly occurs to me that perhaps you should consider writing a memoir because your story is moving and relatable. Perhaps your heart is set on being a novelist, also an admirable goal.
So much of what you wrote I identify with, though your heart has been in this a lot longer than mine. I didn’t give writing much thought until I retired. Here are some of the things we have in common:
1. I love Dead Poet’s Society. I devoted 31 years of my life to being the kind of teacher Mr. Keating was. Like most teachers, sometimes I succeeded and other times I failed. I gave it my all and treasure the relationships I formed with students, parents, and colleagues.
2. I also had a practice novel (writing for middle grades) that I eventually decided was not good enough to put out into the world. It sits somewhere on a flash drive collecting dust.
3. I wrote another MG story, which was much better. In my heart, I knew it was unlikely that anyone would take a chance on it, but I’m retired and was just stubborn enough to try. After multiple drafts, meeting with my writing critique group weekly, and getting it profesionally edited, I queried agents for a year. It went about how I expected. Some compliments but not a lot more. I haven’t looked at it in over a year. I’ve basically decided that when I finish my current project, I’m going to devote a couple more months to it and self-publish. I’ve worked too hard on it not to. I’ve never had any desire to be rich or famous. My one goal is that my son and grandson get to read it someday. That’s really enough for me. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I wanted to switch genres, and now I’m working on a book of humorous tales from my life. Believe me, there have been many—some of which I’m a little embarrassed to tell. I’ll likely query again, but it’s also possible that I’ll just print a few copies and give it to family members and close friends.
I think what most of us writer types want is some form of validation, to hear that someone connects with our words. Part of my life story is I like myself more now than I did when I was a teen, a boy too afraid to take risks. Well, I’m not that same person now. I’m going to continue to write because the bottom line is it gives me joy. Oh yeah, it’s cheaper than therapy. 🤣
Thank you for your honest piece and having the courage to write what many others think but aren’t brave enough to write.
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Oh, Pete! Your words touch me! I’m also thrilled to know that I’m not the only Mr. Keating fan. As if anyone who ever saw that movie wouldn’t love him! Silly me! Like you, I had my successes and failures in that department (the being a brilliant Mr. Keating department- ha!), but the excitement and the passion to do better were always there. So many teachers set wonderful examples for me. I had an amazing master teacher and then so many fantastic colleagues. I look forward to reading more of your work and sharing the ups and downs of the writing life with you. Your observation “it suddenly occurs to me that perhaps you should consider writing a memoir because your story is moving and relatable,” really struck me because my dear friend, Sandy, who has known me since we were girls, tells me the same thing. The story I’m working on now is a fictionalized biography/novel really, I guess, so if it goes anywhere, I will have you and Sandy to thank for the idea! I love what you say about the gifts of writing: “Part of my life story is I like myself more now than I did when I was a teen, a boy too afraid to take risks. Well, I’m not that same person now. I’m going to continue to write because the bottom line is it gives me joy. Oh yeah, it’s cheaper than therapy.” Oh, so true! During the most difficult times of my life I filled many a journal. It often felt like writing for my life, if you know what I mean. I absolutely believe writing saved me more than once! Once again, thank you for your lovely response to my post. Your kindness is so appreciated! Write on!
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I feel all of this so deeply Lori. You are undeniably a Writer. You have so much experience as a writer. Your education, your teaching, your written novels, along with all the other learning opportunities you took to gain knowledge about writing… so much experience. You are a writer worth reading. And as a reader, I love your writing and your kind heart. 💗
Like you, I’ve been writing. I have several books nearly done – and they all sit here. Hidden away, embarrassingly unfinished in their ragged first drafts. Every time I contemplate publishing, and begin the self-editing process, there’s this overwhelming fear that I’m doing writing wrong… So, I let all the other duties of life interfere; work more jobs, take care of more people; life is filled to the brim with busy. How much of the busyness is necessary to survive, and how much of it is avoiding writing, the line there is blurry.
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Dear Rose, I am so touched by your heartfelt response. Thank you! And when you you share that you…”have several books nearly done – and they all sit here. Hidden away, embarrassingly unfinished in their ragged first drafts” I feel like your soul sister! I would lovingly encourage you pick up one of those “ragged first drafts” and read it again. You might be surprised by your own brilliance! You might find that you are ready now to revise. Whatever you choose to do, I believe in you!
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Lori…thank you for all of this. You are, indeed, a writer but I hear you about the hesitancy related to claiming the title. It feels showy and boastful somehow.
What you wrote at the beginning of this piece hit home for me from a worthiness perspective. My on-going battle with self-imposed slow-downs:
…”sometimes when the shadows fall a little too dark, a little too thick…”
The last thing I want to do when I feel that way is write. More like hide.
Much love to you…your post here is important and I loved both Pete and Rose’s comments as testaments. I’m not alone in my admiration of you!
xo! 🥰💕🥰
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Thank you, dear Vicki. Self-imposed slow-downs feels true. I often don’t realize that is what I am up to, but that may very well be it. I am so honored by your support and touched by your kind and insightful heart. 💞
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Much love! 🥰
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What a beautiful essay! This is uplifting and helps me remind myself I should not whine too much while working on my drafts of any piece of writing. This essay is like a gift to all writers. Thank you, Lori!
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Thank you, Christine! You have been such a gift to me! I can never thank you enough for the help you have given me with my writing. One of the many things I miss about the beautiful Midwest is that when I lived there I always felt there was a possibility of attending a writing event in Madison. So grateful I was able to do that a few times. Sending you love and thanks for all you do!
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You are a writer and a beautiful human being. You have added so much to our Wild West community. I am so glad that you survived your cancer in order to continue spreading joy to our troubled world. Take care of yourself, dear friend, and keep on writing! Your voice is very important! Linda M
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Dear Linda, You are such a talented and eloquent person. I am so lucky to have met you and even luckier to have been included in your life journey as a friend. Love our Wild West experiences! Thank you! And cheers to our next chapters. 💞
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I’m with the other commenters. You are most definitely a writer! And maybe there’s no novel … but I tend to believe that education and focus on writing are always good things and bring many different types of rewards. In short, keep writing!
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Thank you, Brian! You are absolutely correct. Education and focus on writing are vital and rewarding for their own sakes. Everything else, if it comes, would be a bonus. Meanwhile, it’s true that one of the only things that can’t be taken away from you is education. I remember being told that when I started college, and I have never doubted it. Thanks so much!
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Love this post. A peek inside your heart is precious. You have spoken many things that relate to many of us. I am at the point where enjoyment is writing on the blog and reading. My first is reading God’s word. My hope is that my words would encourage others to live the best they can while here. Enjoy what you love.
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You absolutely do give your readers encouragement to live our best lives, SanVercell. I love your messages. Thank you for sharing your lovely heart with us. I have so much more to learn!
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What an odyssey you’ve been on! It sounds like you are living life to its fullest and doing what you can. I’ll send some good vibes toward that literary agent.
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Oh! Thank you so much, Marie! She is a wonderful agent and just hearing her opinion at this point would be so helpful, even if it isn’t something she wants to pursue. You are so kind to send your good wishes! 🥰
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Thanks for sharing your journey. I know how scary a cancer diagnosis can be and how it can be a life-changing experience. I’m glad you’re still with us and that you’re writing and sharing your journey.
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Thanks, David. Writing has been an immense comfort and a path to understanding and at least attaining a level of acceptance. I appreciate you!
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I can relate, Lori.
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😊
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Oh, I love this post, Lori. You are most definitely a writer! It’s so hard to keep an eye on the ball while life keeps throwing curve balls. I’m so sorry about your brother and am glad you are healthy. What I’ve learned from talking with so many authors on the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast is that everyone’s path to getting published is different. The most important element is to just keep trying! Sending all my best wishes!
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Thanks so much, Wynne! I read the first pages of your beautiful book yesterday and I love it already! What a beautiful writing voice you have! And what a beautiful family! 💞💞💞 Thank you again. More soon!
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Thank you, Lori! I so appreciate that! ❤
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My pleasure, Wynne!
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Compelling
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Thanks for reading and commenting! 😊
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Not only are you a writer, you are a GOOD one.
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Thank you so much for your kind words, JeanMarie! 💞
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What a story. Yes, you ARE a writer. I’ve taught creative writing classes for years (and years) and many of my students signed up for each session for years (and YEARS) and they still refused to call themselves writers! Getting published is nothing to do with being a writer. Publishing is a business, and a brutal one at that. But writing… now that is part of the business of our souls.
And you’re blogging. I consider that writing also.
I received a MA in English Lit long ago, and it had nothing to do with me becoming a writer. That took sitting down with pen and paper and practicing. And having a darn good time doing so. Soul work. Keep it going!
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You are so kind! Thank you so much for reading and responding. I will keep writing, I’m sure. It keeps me (fairly) sane!😊
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Oh my yes. Writing is a lifeline to my sanity (and humanity). Thanks for following me, by the way. I’m glad we found each other.
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It is nice that you have so much validation, but in the end the proof is with you. I am also a writer and published a debut novel, “The Bayou Heist.” I found a hybrid publisher, and they accepted it. I am on Amazon. Truly, nothing is easy. I don’t have as much support as you do on this blog and my husband and I have both have bouts with cancer but I plop myself down and keep on going. That is all you can do. Teaching and writing are tough choices but we have good years and bad years. Thanks for listening! I am currently working on my second novel.
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Congratulations on The Bayou Heist and wishing you all the best with your new novel! You are right about just needing to keep on going. Sending you wishes for good health and many more happy years of writing.
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Thank you. I try to write for myself as I am a big reader. You are right, you do need a very thick skin in this game. As for good health, it is a gamble. We shall see. Sometimes cards are not laid straight but we do our best. Thank you.
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